It’s been about 100 years since I have blogged for you single gals. (Oh, how I love to exaggerate…it pleases me so…) I’ve had a few people contact me lately regarding their relationships. I think my most popular blog to date was the post Cat and Mouse Dating Games . My personal favorite on dating is titled Rules of Romance.
If you have read my blogs about dating you already know that I am pretty big on NO chasing, NO bending of your principals, NO settling, and NO NONSENSE. Over and over I see women compromising their beliefs and their standards in order to get along with a guy. They dance to his tune and they dance around their feelings. They try so hard to NOT be annoying to this ole’ fella who isn’t trying very hard to dance at all.
Alright my sweet young friends. Here comes some advice from your bloggin’ mama…and you probably won’t like some of it! Unlike your real Mama…you are free to dump me and stop visiting my blog. But please know…I want the BEST FOR YOU. I want God’s best for you. I want you to have so much confidence in who you are as a woman of God that you won’t possibly miss the best things that God has planned for you.
Let’s talk about this guy…
Maybe he has a few little issues...OK – let’s talk about that. We have to distinguish if you are just too picky and persnickety – or if maybe he has some real issues. How does a girl really know? It’s pretty simple. If it has to do with character – it is an issue. If it has to do with a little habit – you are persnickety. It it has to do with lots of little habits – it’s probably just not the right fit.
But what if he promises to change regarding the character issue? Promises are promises. They mean absolutely nothing until a promise becomes a way of life. OK – ready? This is the piece of advice that will separate the brave ones from the weak. Don’t date a guy who is making promises. Don’t even get started and stop if you are already involved. Do not let him do this on your time. Nope. Nope. Nope. Draw your line in the sand. Tell him you have some big plans for your life and you are not going to wrestle around with his stuff. Until you see evidences of change – bye! bye! sweet guy!
Oh, I predict that he will kick and scream and make more promises. Tell him to call later once his issues are resolved. And when he does – if you are even available – make sure you see some hard evidence of change before you go back to the same old patterns.
Oh, but I love him…Love is not enough. My friend recently made the comment to me that she can count on one hand couples who are still happily married. I don’t know of one couple who wasn’t madly in love on the day that they got married. But only about half of them were able to stay the course. Of those who stayed the course – probably only half of them are truly happy with each other. You MUST chose the right person to commit to loving for the rest of your life.
He hasn’t been calling as much and doesn’t seem as interested…but I know he’s busy and he isn’t much of a talker… Lets talk about that one. Let’s distinguish if you are a needy and high maintenance kind of gal – or if maybe he doesn’t need you as much anymore. Again, it’s quite simple. If he is contacting you less now than before – he is losing interest. If he is contacting you the same as at the beginning – you might be getting a little needy.
If you fall into the category of needy – stop that right now. I have never seen a guy be attracted to a needy girl. BUT – if you are feeling needy because he doesn’t contact you as much – STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM. Stop calling. Stop wondering. Stop waiting. Once a relationship begins to take this turn they rarely – if ever – improve. Let him go. Don’t make a big deal out of it – keep it simple. The only thing that needs to be said is something like, “It seems that we are growing apart lately and maybe we shouldn’t force something that isn’t really there”.
Once again he will most likely kick and scream a little. Stick to your guns and go your separate way. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to grow and he can now take all the time he needs to do whatever he has been doing when he wasn’t as available to you.
We’ve been dating 100 years and still no ring…(OH – yet another chance for me to exaggerate…sigh) When a guy refuses to commit it feels like 100 years. This one is super simple too. In 90 % of the cases when you have been dating way, way too long there is a clear cut answer. See ya! Yep. Bye. Be on your merry way.
Trust me. You want to date a guy who pursues you and can hardly wait to make it official. A guy who pursues when you are dating will one day pursue you during a fight and pursue until you work it out. He won’t be able to rest until things are OK. He is more likely to be loyal and faithful and to keep on loving you all the days of your life. He will be more likely to remain your best friend.
You don’t like that? You are in the other 10%? Oh, I see…you both want to pursue your personal dreams and you don’t believe in committing too early? OK – that’s fine…What we have to distinguish here is if you are both on the same page pursuing your independent dreams of if one person is pursuing their dreams while the other is waiting expectantly. It’s simple. How are you getting along? Do you have a strong, healthy, friendship? Or is there tension? Do you trust one another? Or do you wonder? Is the relationship honest?
If you are both on the same page and are truthful and honest I believe you will be just fine. If you are fighting and wondering and worrying and wishing…move along as quickly as you can. Things might work out after you take a break…but then again maybe not. Either way you will be taking care of YOU by concentrating on your personal goals and dreams rather than waiting on him.
What’s that? Ohhh…you have already invested so much of your life and how on earth can you live without him and how on earth can you start all over at this stage of the game? Maybe you should ask some of the couples who slided into marriage rather than decided they wanted to be married. They slid into marriage simply because it was the next thing to do. The thrill and the passion had long passed them by. This is when the rubber meets the road. How brave are you? How important is it to have a guy who loves and cherishes you? How important is it to have a guy who can’t quite get enough of you? How important is the rest of your life?
But I want it to work out with HIM. There are some things we cannot force. This is one of my rules of thumb. Dating should be EASY. Marriage is much harder than dating. Once we are married we tend to settle into who we really are. We don’t try as hard to razzle and dazzle and to please. (I’m not saying that’s good – I’ll talk more about that in a marriage blog) So if he isn’t dancing and razzling and dazzling while you are dating – most likely it will not get better and will probably get worse if you get married.
This guy seems perfect but I am not sure I am really attracted to him. That’s a common concern in relationships. We have to distinguish whether you have a little over-inflated view of yourself and if you were expecting a real life prince charming that cannot and does not exist – or if you simply lack chemistry. It’s quite simple again. When it is just the two of you – if you feel like kissing him and love to be with him – you are most definitely attracted to him. In this case you have a little bit of a perfect problem or an image problem – and I suggest you humble yourself before the Lord and get rid of your little problem. If you don’t feel like hugging and kissing and if you find yourself making other plans rather than spending time with him…you probably lack chemistry. Yes – you can eventually grow to be attracted to someone but I wouldn’t force it. What looks good on paper doesn’t necessarily transfer to a heart.
I could go on and on but I am trying to shorten my blogs a bit. So let me cut to the chase.
Most of you who read my blog know that I am a follower of Jesus. There are so many benefits of following Him. Let me name just a few… He gives you confidence, He gives discernment, He counsels when you are confused, He offers common sense wisdom, He leads you to the right path and the right guy, He desires that you have good relationships and a good marriage, He fills the lonely places, and He gives you strength when it is hard.
So – how closely are you following Jesus? When was the last time you had a serious conversation with Him? When was the last time you even took the time to thank Him ? What if following Jesus might cost you this guy? Will you commit to having a relationship the right way? Do you trust Jesus with your future?
Is he interested in following Jesus? If you are a believer and if he is not even interested – it just plain will not work. I have seen that dynamic over and over and it is a recipe for disaster. It is extremely important that you share the same values.
Jesus has a divine plan for your life and it will unfold in divine order if you put Him first. All you have to do is follow Him. You are worth everything to Him. You are worth more than a shaky relationship.
You may not listen to my advice – you sure don’t have to. But if you are dealing with some of these sticky questions about your relationship – please consider that it might be time to dance to your own song and sing a different tune. It may require a bit of risk taking and a big leap of faith…
But I promise you… the landing is soft and it will put you in the right place.