Not So Strong

by | Aug 3, 2019 | Going Deeper | 8 comments

Oh my gosh.  I am stunned by the beautiful notes, emails, texts, and comments I have received since my last blog.  I am blown away by how many of you visited my last post regarding this cancer journey.  I cannot tell you how deeply it has touched me.  Thank you.

But there is one little deal – one little truth you need to know.  Something that has struck me from day 1 of my journey is how many people have encouraged me with words like,  “You can do this” “You’ve got this!” “You are strong.”

Every time I read those words I desperately want to believe they are true.  They are incredibly encouraging to me. But inside I know the truth.  The truth is I am really not so strong.

Last week I asked for a Valium to endure the MRI tube and it didn’t help me not one little teensy bit.  They strapped me in face down and arms at my side and told me I could squeeze a little ball if I got desperate and needed to get out.  It took everything in me not to squeeze it even as they were rolling me in.

After I endured claustrophobia in the tube I patted myself on the back with a yay you and cha cha cha!

But then came the PETSCAN.  My nurse manager assured me there was no need to worry and that a PETSCAN is more like a donut.  When I saw the machine it was more like –

2 donuts = tube

I whined out loud to the poor guy helping me and said, “They told me it was like a donutttttttt…..”

That’s the thing.  I’m also not a patient person and I’m a pretty bad patient.  Hospitals and doctor stuff make me woozy and I have been known to faint. It has been more than a few times when I have visited someone in the hospital and the minute they start talking I wind up flat on my back with the entire staff buzzing around me.  Not exactly comforting….

So, while I was in my pseudo donut I had a come-to-Jesus moment – with Jesus.  And I said to Him –
“Lord, You’ve always known I am a baby.  I don’t like pain – I don’t like hospitals – I don’t like the unknown – I like happy. I am not strong…I trust you – but I’m not sure I am strong enough for this…”

I waited a bit to see if He would impress anything on my heart in response.  I felt Him whisper to my soul;  “Tell me what you have learned.”

I thought about that awhile and then I told Him all the things I have learned, “ In my weakness… You have helped me become stronger.  In my fear…I am learning to trust You more. When I have been impatient and worried about the future….You have given me exactly what I needed for each day.  On top of that – I have been able to have joy.  Oh!  And I have not fainted once! Thank you..thank you, Jesus.”

…And I dozed in and out for the rest of my stay in the not -much -of -a -donut deal.

I have a bossy young friend (Nancy) who put it to me this way, “Your days are already in the book, Jack.  So don’t sweat it – just trust what God does with the days that you have.”  I love that.  This is coming from a woman who lost her husband to a heart condition when her twin boys were 2 years old.

Another way to say that a bit more eloquently is found in the Bible.

 ”Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”  Psalm 139:16

I have heard dozens of amazing stories about people who have overcome cancer – even when the scientific odds were stacked against them.  I have also heard a number of fabulous stories about breast cancer that give me hope that this journey might not be as difficult as I have feared.

I don’t know yet, but God does.  He already knows …and He already has a plan.

And just for the record…I feel compelled to say this.  I am not so strong.  I really am kind of a baby.  I cannot drum up strength.  I cannot drum up peace.  I cannot drum up trust.  I CAN’T.   But God CAN. He has given me comfort.  He has given me peace.  He has helped me to trust His plan.  And He makes me strong.

He is not a crutch – well actually for me He is, and frankly I need a crutch right now.  But He is so much more.  He is the Alpha and the Omega, who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty One. Because I know the truth about who I am…I  know the truth about who God IS.

 I know my Redeemer lives.

Until next time,

8 Comments

  1. Vickie Swanson
    Vickie Swanson on August 3, 2019 at 9:42 pm

    Praying for you Jackie. This is tough but you are strong and God is holding you in his arms.

    Vickie Swanson

    • Jackie
      Jackie on August 4, 2019 at 12:00 am

      Thanks so much, Vickie – I imagine the Lord gives us the strength as we need it. He surely has so far.

  2. Martha Campbell Navis
    Martha Campbell Navis on August 3, 2019 at 11:23 pm

    Jackie – YOU ARE STRONG. I remember when you broke your leg in elementary school. You had a cast up to your thigh and still played 4 square. I will never forget it. Nothing is going to get you down. Not even cancer. You’ve got this.

    • Jackie
      Jackie on August 4, 2019 at 12:01 am

      That’s exactly why I don’t like doctors!! I was like an accident waiting to happen and broke my arm twice and my leg! Thank you for that – I love that. It helps me to believe in me…just a little bit.

  3. Tom Showers
    Tom Showers on August 4, 2019 at 2:57 pm

    Im right there w you Jack. The older I get the more small spaces have a grip on my psyche. Claustrophobia is very real …. in my head… and the only defense I have is … in my head. The tighter the space the tighter I grip His hand. I might consider a tighter embrace but it’s a guy thing….it would have to be a bro- hug and the MRI takes longer than a bro- hug. Keep fighting.

    • Jackie
      Jackie on August 4, 2019 at 11:48 pm

      Eric always tells me Shows is one of the wittiest of the bball email thread! That’s so funny!!! Glad to know I’m not completely alone in my nutjob tendencies!! I just want to be able to know I can get OUT if I need to. When I asked the MRI girl if anyone ever squeezed the ball, she assured me they have but she always talks them off the ledge…and that she was going to talk me off the ledge if I squeezed the ball so I might as well plan to just get er’ done!! And I did!!!

  4. Mary Power Jacobs
    Mary Power Jacobs on August 5, 2019 at 4:22 am

    I know a woman who has already endured a LOT…and through it all you’ve maintained your sense of humor and total dependence on The Lord! When we’re weak, He’s strong. It’s not about our strength, but His and He’s GOT YOU! Your feisty determination to battle until you learn something or help someone else are strengths in character that honor Him and give you continued joy in the journey.
    You’re surrounded by your loving and supportive family and your friends are beside and behind you!
    Love you my friend! Nehemiah 8:10 “The joy of The Lord is my strength.”

    • Jackie
      Jackie on August 5, 2019 at 11:18 am

      Love you, Mary Power Jacobs…and you have been there with me through it all. The Lord knew what kind of a friend I was going to need when He brought you into my life back in 8th grade. Those guitar-playing – midi-vest- COP church camp days were the early days of getting to know the Lord…and He has never let us down. And I know He will be there every step of the way…along with you. Thanks, Mare!