Oh my gosh. I am stunned by the beautiful notes, emails, texts, and comments I have received since my last blog. I am blown away by how many of you visited my last post regarding this cancer journey. I cannot tell you how deeply it has touched me. Thank you.
But there is one little deal – one little truth you need to know. Something that has struck me from day 1 of my journey is how many people have encouraged me with words like, “You can do this” “You’ve got this!” “You are strong.”
Every time I read those words I desperately want to believe they are true. They are incredibly encouraging to me. But inside I know the truth. The truth is I am really not so strong.
Last week I asked for a Valium to endure the MRI tube and it didn’t help me not one little teensy bit. They strapped me in face down and arms at my side and told me I could squeeze a little ball if I got desperate and needed to get out. It took everything in me not to squeeze it even as they were rolling me in.
After I endured claustrophobia in the tube I patted myself on the back with a yay you and cha cha cha!
But then came the PETSCAN. My nurse manager assured me there was no need to worry and that a PETSCAN is more like a donut. When I saw the machine it was more like –
2 donuts = tube
I whined out loud to the poor guy helping me and said, “They told me it was like a donutttttttt…..”
That’s the thing. I’m also not a patient person and I’m a pretty bad patient. Hospitals and doctor stuff make me woozy and I have been known to faint. It has been more than a few times when I have visited someone in the hospital and the minute they start talking I wind up flat on my back with the entire staff buzzing around me. Not exactly comforting….
”Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16
I have heard dozens of amazing stories about people who have overcome cancer – even when the scientific odds were stacked against them. I have also heard a number of fabulous stories about breast cancer that give me hope that this journey might not be as difficult as I have feared.
I don’t know yet, but God does. He already knows …and He already has a plan.
And just for the record…I feel compelled to say this. I am not so strong. I really am kind of a baby. I cannot drum up strength. I cannot drum up peace. I cannot drum up trust. I CAN’T. But God CAN. He has given me comfort. He has given me peace. He has helped me to trust His plan. And He makes me strong.
He is not a crutch – well actually for me He is, and frankly I need a crutch right now. But He is so much more. He is the Alpha and the Omega, who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty One. Because I know the truth about who I am…I know the truth about who God IS.