Oh my gosh.  I am stunned by the beautiful notes, emails, texts, and comments I have received since my last blog.  I am blown away by how many of you visited my last post regarding this cancer journey.  I cannot tell you how deeply it has touched me.  Thank you.

But there is one little deal – one little truth you need to know.  Something that has struck me from day 1 of my journey is how many people have encouraged me with words like,  “You can do this” “You’ve got this!” “You are strong.”

Every time I read those words I desperately want to believe they are true.  They are incredibly encouraging to me. But inside I know the truth.  The truth is I am really not so strong.

Last week I asked for a Valium to endure the MRI tube and it didn’t help me not one little teensy bit.  They strapped me in face down and arms at my side and told me I could squeeze a little ball if I got desperate and needed to get out.  It took everything in me not to squeeze it even as they were rolling me in.

After I endured claustrophobia in the tube I patted myself on the back with a yay you and cha cha cha!

But then came the PETSCAN.  My nurse manager assured me there was no need to worry and that a PETSCAN is more like a donut.  When I saw the machine it was more like –

2 donuts = tube

I whined out loud to the poor guy helping me and said, “They told me it was like a donutttttttt…..”

That’s the thing.  I’m also not a patient person and I’m a pretty bad patient.  Hospitals and doctor stuff make me woozy and I have been known to faint. It has been more than a few times when I have visited someone in the hospital and the minute they start talking I wind up flat on my back with the entire staff buzzing around me.  Not exactly comforting….

So, while I was in my pseudo donut I had a come-to-Jesus moment – with Jesus.  And I said to Him –
“Lord, You’ve always known I am a baby.  I don’t like pain – I don’t like hospitals – I don’t like the unknown – I like happy. I am not strong…I trust you – but I’m not sure I am strong enough for this…”

I waited a bit to see if He would impress anything on my heart in response.  I felt Him whisper to my soul;  “Tell me what you have learned.”

I thought about that awhile and then I told Him all the things I have learned, “ In my weakness… You have helped me become stronger.  In my fear…I am learning to trust You more. When I have been impatient and worried about the future….You have given me exactly what I needed for each day.  On top of that – I have been able to have joy.  Oh!  And I have not fainted once! Thank you..thank you, Jesus.”

…And I dozed in and out for the rest of my stay in the not -much -of -a -donut deal.

I have a bossy young friend (Nancy) who put it to me this way, “Your days are already in the book, Jack.  So don’t sweat it – just trust what God does with the days that you have.”  I love that.  This is coming from a woman who lost her husband to a heart condition when her twin boys were 2 years old.

Another way to say that a bit more eloquently is found in the Bible.

 ”Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”  Psalm 139:16

I have heard dozens of amazing stories about people who have overcome cancer – even when the scientific odds were stacked against them.  I have also heard a number of fabulous stories about breast cancer that give me hope that this journey might not be as difficult as I have feared.

I don’t know yet, but God does.  He already knows …and He already has a plan.

And just for the record…I feel compelled to say this.  I am not so strong.  I really am kind of a baby.  I cannot drum up strength.  I cannot drum up peace.  I cannot drum up trust.  I CAN’T.   But God CAN. He has given me comfort.  He has given me peace.  He has helped me to trust His plan.  And He makes me strong.

He is not a crutch – well actually for me He is, and frankly I need a crutch right now.  But He is so much more.  He is the Alpha and the Omega, who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty One. Because I know the truth about who I am…I  know the truth about who God IS.

 I know my Redeemer lives.

Until next time,