I have never been a particularly patient person and I am VERY bad at waiting.  When I was a young woman I knew my husband was going to pop the engagement ring soon and it wasn’t soon enough for me so I finally asked him, “So what’s your plan?”  His plan was a very good one and I pretty much spoiled it.

This summer is our 40th wedding anniversary and we have a great Christmas surprise for the whole family…and do you know how many times I have asked the kids, “Do ya’ want to know??” And each of them says, “Mom – NO!  You can’t wreck the surprise!!”   

How lame is that?  Who would rather be surprised than KNOW?  Pfft.

That is just another thing I have had to learn about on this cancer journey….waiting.  (I pretty much spit at that word as I typed it.) You see, waiting is one of the hardest things about a cancer diagnosis.   I have had to wait for what seemed an eternity to find out –

IF I had cancer – 

If the biopsy would reveal that the cancer had spread – 

If the scan would reveal cancer in other parts of my body – 

If more cancer would be discovered at surgery – 

If the surgery would be successful –

What the treatment plan would be – 

If I would be able to tolerate the treatments – 

I will wait again after radiation to make sure the cancer is completely gone and after that I will wait and wonder if the cancer will ever come back…waiting has become a part of my life.  

Last Saturday morning we had Comfort Club and being the wierdo I am, I take notes in my journal as the women share.  I want to remember every word spoken so I write it all down.  (I bet they think I’m kind of creepy.)

Except for a few of us, the majority of the women have already walked the rocky path of cancer and they simply amaze me.  Very often I think to myself – who are these people??  I wish you could meet them…um…but no, I don’t want you to be a part of our club.  I’ll just keep blogging about them to give you a glimpse.

On Saturday, one woman shared something that astounded me.  This was a totally new concept and it unlocked some more chains that have been locked around me.  This is what she said –

”Waiting is proactive.  While we wait, we are actively leaning into God.” 

BAM. I have never considered it like that. I am actually doing something while I wait.  To be perfectly honest – there is nothing I can do BUT lean into God and that is the most important thing I can do.

Waiting develops our ability to hear the voice of God.

God is constantly working in my situation and doing a work in me while I wait.  While I wait,  He is preparing me for the next thing.

I have most certainly not mastered waiting, but I am getting better.  I have not dared make a decision about which doctor to choose or what treatment to accept – without waiting on the Lord.  In the process, as I wait …and lean…I am learning to listen to God’s voice before taking the next step.  Day by day and moment by moment.

So here is something else about me that I could use some prayer about.  My husband and kids keep saying they can’t wait to get my first scan done after radiation.  Clean scan – good story – successful journey.  They believe in that and can’t wait to get that good news.

That paralyzes me. This is one of the few times when I mentally pump the brakes…and I could wait forever.  When I think about that first scan it scares me to death. I’m scared to death to think of what they might find next.

 I have a while  before I have to leap over that hurdle and I’m kind of figuring the girls at Comfort Club will have some words of wisdom for me before that day comes.  So I will just continue to bring my journal and continue to take good notes. And in the meantime…

I will park my fears about the future and actively lean into the Lord.

”I wait for the Lord; my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.  I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.”  – Psalm 130:5-6