I have never been a particularly patient person and I am VERY bad at waiting. When I was a young woman I knew my husband was going to pop the engagement ring soon and it wasn’t soon enough for me so I finally asked him, “So what’s your plan?” His plan was a very good one and I pretty much spoiled it.
This summer is our 40th wedding anniversary and we have a great Christmas surprise for the whole family…and do you know how many times I have asked the kids, “Do ya’ want to know??” And each of them says, “Mom – NO! You can’t wreck the surprise!!”
How lame is that? Who would rather be surprised than KNOW? Pfft.
That is just another thing I have had to learn about on this cancer journey….waiting. (I pretty much spit at that word as I typed it.) You see, waiting is one of the hardest things about a cancer diagnosis. I have had to wait for what seemed an eternity to find out –
IF I had cancer –
If the biopsy would reveal that the cancer had spread –
If the scan would reveal cancer in other parts of my body –
If more cancer would be discovered at surgery –
If the surgery would be successful –
What the treatment plan would be –
If I would be able to tolerate the treatments –
I will wait again after radiation to make sure the cancer is completely gone and after that I will wait and wonder if the cancer will ever come back…waiting has become a part of my life.
Last Saturday morning we had Comfort Club and being the wierdo I am, I take notes in my journal as the women share. I want to remember every word spoken so I write it all down. (I bet they think I’m kind of creepy.)
Except for a few of us, the majority of the women have already walked the rocky path of cancer and they simply amaze me. Very often I think to myself – who are these people?? I wish you could meet them…um…but no, I don’t want you to be a part of our club. I’ll just keep blogging about them to give you a glimpse.
On Saturday, one woman shared something that astounded me. This was a totally new concept and it unlocked some more chains that have been locked around me. This is what she said –
”Waiting is proactive. While we wait, we are actively leaning into God.”
BAM. I have never considered it like that. I am actually doing something while I wait. To be perfectly honest – there is nothing I can do BUT lean into God and that is the most important thing I can do.
Waiting develops our ability to hear the voice of God.
God is constantly working in my situation and doing a work in me while I wait. While I wait, He is preparing me for the next thing.
I have most certainly not mastered waiting, but I am getting better. I have not dared make a decision about which doctor to choose or what treatment to accept – without waiting on the Lord. In the process, as I wait …and lean…I am learning to listen to God’s voice before taking the next step. Day by day and moment by moment.
So here is something else about me that I could use some prayer about. My husband and kids keep saying they can’t wait to get my first scan done after radiation. Clean scan – good story – successful journey. They believe in that and can’t wait to get that good news.
That paralyzes me. This is one of the few times when I mentally pump the brakes…and I could wait forever. When I think about that first scan it scares me to death. I’m scared to death to think of what they might find next.
I have a while before I have to leap over that hurdle and I’m kind of figuring the girls at Comfort Club will have some words of wisdom for me before that day comes. So I will just continue to bring my journal and continue to take good notes. And in the meantime…
I will park my fears about the future and actively lean into the Lord.
Your new daily wisdom that comes directly from such a journey is a true blessing to all of us ‘waiting’ for your next. Blog post. Thank you for blessing us. ❤
I am committed to my daily disciplines…it’s good for me. 🙂
I love that you take notes at Comfort Club. And that you are gleaning wisdom from those who have walked your path. And yes, they will have plenty to share about “scanxiety!”
Scanxiety – ! So I am not alone in this!
It is so hard to miss a meeting because there are so many golden nuggets of coping and love shared !
You are amazing, in that you can share your steps , even waiting steps ! You are a true giver Jackie ! Thank you !
Beautiful words, Jackie. I hear your voice completely, yet your journey’s wisdom is now so evident. You have grown and that is the very best way to conquer cancer. You have created an internal environment that is so positive … way to go🤗❤️
I do pretty much – talk – when I write so it is most definitely my voice. So nice to hear from you, as always. I was at radation the other day and I actually thought to myself, “Why am I even doing this?? I don’t think I have anymore cancer in my body!” I hope that is true…I pray that is true.