I have never been a particularly patient person and I am VERY bad at waiting. When I was a young woman I knew my husband was going to pop the engagement ring soon and it wasn’t soon enough for me so I finally asked him, “So what’s your plan?” His plan was a very good one and I pretty much spoiled it.
This summer is our 40th wedding anniversary and we have a great Christmas surprise for the whole family…and do you know how many times I have asked the kids, “Do ya’ want to know??” And each of them says, “Mom – NO! You can’t wreck the surprise!!”
How lame is that? Who would rather be surprised than KNOW? Pfft.
That is just another thing I have had to learn about on this cancer journey….waiting. (I pretty much spit at that word as I typed it.) You see, waiting is one of the hardest things about a cancer diagnosis. I have had to wait for what seemed an eternity to find out –
IF I had cancer –
If the biopsy would reveal that the cancer had spread –
If the scan would reveal cancer in other parts of my body –
If more cancer would be discovered at surgery –
If the surgery would be successful –
What the treatment plan would be –
If I would be able to tolerate the treatments –
I will wait again after radiation to make sure the cancer is completely gone and after that I will wait and wonder if the cancer will ever come back…waiting has become a part of my life.
Last Saturday morning we had Comfort Club and being the wierdo I am, I take notes in my journal as the women share. I want to remember every word spoken so I write it all down. (I bet they think I’m kind of creepy.)
Except for a few of us, the majority of the women have already walked the rocky path of cancer and they simply amaze me. Very often I think to myself – who are these people?? I wish you could meet them…um…but no, I don’t want you to be a part of our club. I’ll just keep blogging about them to give you a glimpse.
On Saturday, one woman shared something that astounded me. This was a totally new concept and it unlocked some more chains that have been locked around me. This is what she said –
”Waiting is proactive. While we wait, we are actively leaning into God.”
BAM. I have never considered it like that. I am actually doing something while I wait. To be perfectly honest – there is nothing I can do BUT lean into God and that is the most important thing I can do.
Waiting develops our ability to hear the voice of God.
God is constantly working in my situation and doing a work in me while I wait. While I wait, He is preparing me for the next thing.
I have most certainly not mastered waiting, but I am getting better. I have not dared make a decision about which doctor to choose or what treatment to accept – without waiting on the Lord. In the process, as I wait …and lean…I am learning to listen to God’s voice before taking the next step. Day by day and moment by moment.
So here is something else about me that I could use some prayer about. My husband and kids keep saying they can’t wait to get my first scan done after radiation. Clean scan – good story – successful journey. They believe in that and can’t wait to get that good news.
That paralyzes me. This is one of the few times when I mentally pump the brakes…and I could wait forever. When I think about that first scan it scares me to death. I’m scared to death to think of what they might find next.
I have a while before I have to leap over that hurdle and I’m kind of figuring the girls at Comfort Club will have some words of wisdom for me before that day comes. So I will just continue to bring my journal and continue to take good notes. And in the meantime…
I will park my fears about the future and actively lean into the Lord.