Yesterday was a hard day for me. It wasn’t anything in particular and there were some beautiful parts about the day…but all day long I felt like crying for no particular reason.
I think it was a combination of things…I was tired from being up late the night before and I’m getting more tired from radiation. I have learned that when I’m tired I shouldn’t pay much attention to myself or any of my emotions.
I was struggling with bad reports from a friend who was just diagnosed with mestatic cancer in her spine, a friend’s sister who is settling into hospice after a long run of breast cancer, and another friend of ours who has twin daughters who both have breast cancer and now their younger sister is waiting on a biopsy for a suspicious lump.
It just breaks my heart.
I think it also has to do with seeing people I have not seen since my diagnosis and the pained look that shows up on their faces when they hear that I was diagnosed with Stage 3C cancer. I cannot explain it – but their tender concern reminds me that I should be concerned. And I don’t want to be concerned – I don’t want to do cancer – I don’t want to be a part of the cancer club.
To be honest, I feel perfectly pathetic to be talking about this for all the world to see, but it’s part of my journey and I think it’s important for me to record it.
I also did a really stupid thing. My radiation oncologist – Dr. Doogie – had told me that he expects that I will be cured. So I took it further, like I always do, just to make sure he’s not trying to keep my spirits high for no good reason, and this week I asked him, “So, do you see many women with Stage 3C breast cancer where the cancer never comes back again?”
And Doogie said to me, “Sometimes…but not as often as those with Stage 1 or 2.”
ouch.
This is a fact. There’s just no getting around it – Stage 3C is a bad report. The question is whether or not I will fall into the category of – sometimes.
Soooo…I went to the Bible to find a Word from the Lord to get my head in a better place. I went to a story found in Numbers 13 & 14 to study up on how I could better deal with a bad report.
In the story, Moses and the Israelites were about to take over the land that God had promised them. Moses decided to send 12 spies ahead to see what they were up against so that they could develop battle strategies to defeat them.
For 40 days the spies assessed the situation and when they returned there were conflicting reports.
10 of the spies reported that their enemies were giants and their kingdoms were well fortified. They advised that the Israelites should not go up against them because it would end in defeat.
But two of the spies, Joshua and Caleb, saw otherwise. They agreed that the odds were stacked against them, but their eyes were not on the “facts”. Their eyes were on God. God had promised them victory and rather than look at the “facts” of the situation, they looked to God’s promises.
As the story rolls out, we learn that God had planned to hand the enemies over to the Israelites. But the Israelites listened to the bad report and gave up hope. They missed their moment and ended up wandering in the wilderness for 40 years.
OK…this is good stuff.
The lesson I see here is to refuse to look at the bad report and instead look to God and His promises. Do I trust the bad report? Or do I trust God’s plan for my life? He has not promised me that I will remain cancer free, but He has promised me that He has a plan for my life and that it is good.
It all comes down to this – do I trust God’s plan no matter what that looks like?
My daughter said to me, “Mom, I believe Doogie believes you will be cured. I believe he thinks you will fall into the very few people with Stage 3C that never have to deal with it again.”
Have I mentioned to you how much I adore that daughter of mine?
I believe that Doogie believes I will be cancer free. I believe that my friend’s daughters will have a trifecta triumphant story that will be told many decades from now, I believe that God can stretch the days of my friend who has cancer in her spine, and I believe that when God calls us home He provides a gentle exit from this world. I believe that He lovingly upholds the survivors as they fulfill their call and they live out their stories until they meet in heaven with those who passed before them.
I know that I cannot see or touch God. But I know that He is a fact. He has been moving in my life and caring for me for 61 years …especially on my hard days.
Yesterday I was sad.
This morning Maggie “happened” to send me a blog, Making Moments Matter , (click on the link – it’s soo good) and it reminded me that our lives are a mist. Yep! A mist. It reminded me of the importance of making every moment matter in my little mist of life. Every year, every month, every week, every day, every minute, every second, and every millisecond I need to be intentional about living in my moments instead of looking at a bad report.
If I take my eyes off the bad report and look to God and His promises, and enjoy all the good things and good moments in front of me…I don’t feel like crying anymore.
Next on the agenda, I met Terri at Bellacour in Wayzata, MN. We have kept a regular meeting ever since I was diagnosed. We ordered our usual coffee and quiche Lorraine and could hardly pull ourselves away after 3 hours. Moments with Terri make me feel like I am away on vacation. I’m not kidding. It’s like sitting on an outdoor patio in California, only we were sitting inside on a winter day in Minnesota. It was a perfect moment and it made my bad report fade from my mind.
After rads, my sweet husband took me to dinner knowing I had been struggling with my bad report. We enjoyed the happy hour specials and talked about everything under the sun. My bad report was not even a thought as I enjoyed the moment with that man of mine.
And then I got the sweetest note from my highschool friend, Laurie. It reminded me of all the fun highschool moments where we dreamed of what our lives would look like when we grew up someday. It touched my heart…and the bad report was permanently erased from my mind.
And then just now…you’re going to love this. Our friend who has the twin daughters with breast cancer and were waiting on the biopsy for their third daughter ???? The biopsy was BENIGN. God gave them a YES. God said – enough cancer.
And suddenly the world seems right again.
I don’t have the promise that I will live for 20 more years…but I have the promise that God will see me through. I don’t have to live in the land of worry. I refuse to believe in the bad report. I think I am done being a whiny-faced baby.
Yep, I’m done with that.
”It is a Christian duty…for everyone to be as happy as he can.” – C.S. Lewis
Until next time,
You are in my daily prayers. Take care and Merry Christmas Jackie.
Mary, thank you!!! And Merry Christmas to you and yours…!!!
…and when you are cured you will look around and see and hear from all those that read your blog and will no doubt realize that God has reached and given hope and strength to many through you. That’s pretty good news.
Oh,, Shows…that would be the best news of all. Thanks so much for your support – I love reading your comments and Eric does too. It’s so cool to have so many people in my corner who are also serious about faith and prayer. I don’t know what I would do without it.
❤
Shows is right! Your positive attitude and strength are helping others and we will all celebrate with you upon your CURE! Thank you again for all the blessings that you have showered upon our Family!
We are so so happy for you, Jon!! That news just made OUR DAY!!! We are looking for more victory stories from the twins and will be keeping up with the posts. And OH HOW I LOVE THE WORD – CURE. 🙂
Dearest Jackie I know you don’t remember me. In 1973 my parents moved from Portland OR to Edina where I was a sophomore at EDina West HS. I came from a place where I was popular, had a million friends and was a cheerleader. I very begrudgingly moved to Edina the home of amazing looking blue eyed blondes. Everyone seemed to have known each other from birth and I literally felt like I was an alien on a different planet. You and I were never “friends” but we did occasionally have conversations where I found you warm, friendly, fun and so beautiful. I occasionally read your blog and I am so sorry to hear of your c diagnosis. A year ago my husband was undergoing radiation for prostate cancer… such a terrible word. Today he is cancer free and we are not looking back. Sometimes it’s hard to remain positive and when you are having those bad days know that you are completely entitled. Jackie I can tell you are a good person who deserves the best. My thoughts and prayers are w/you. I don’t share the same faith as you but I so strongly admire your unwavering belief but like you I have wonderful kids and 4 grandchildren who I can’t believe the depths of my feelings for. Every moment w/them is a gift I treasure . Continue to stay positive, surround yourself w/positive people that you love, & take care of yourself, I wish you and your family all the best, you deserve it!!!!
Cheri Gilman? Oh yes, I absolutely remember you!! And I remember thinking you were a pretty, gentle and kind person. I love hearing your husband’s story of overcoming cancer “and not looking back”. That’s absolutely wonderful. I am so happy to hear that you have a wonderful family, it doesn’t surprise me at all. Thank you for reaching out – it is wonderful to hear from you.
Jack- You’re not only being “cured”, you’re being HEALED- body, mind, spirit! The Lord is doing a deep work within you for His Glory and for your health of spirit and for all who read your blog!
The verses you shared were also verses we believed for Laura. Whose report do we believe? we shall believe the report of The Lord! Some trust in men, some trust in horse, but we shall believe the report of The Lord! Amen! Thirty-three years of cancer and treatment-related battles but as you know, she’s the most glowing, funniest, most loving person you can meet…and with such Hope! And love! And Compassion and empathy! You are a mighty woman, Jackie and your willingness to share our story with others is a gift for you and for all of us!
Some trust in men, some trust in horses…but we shall believe the report of the Lord. I LOVE THAT VERSE – thank you for that. Laura is a living testimony as to the insignificance of a bad report – IN COMPARISON TO GOD’S TRUTH. The Holy Spirit is wrecking me…I am becoming a wreck of emotions as I see things different and I see HIM more clearly. He IS LOVE. And He is enough.
Love you, Mare. I just love you…