I hardly know where to start – because I don’t want this to be my story…but it is.
I have recently learned that the unwelcome guest of cancer has shoved it’s way into my life and has no intention of leaving. I was recently diagnosed with metastatic cancer. The cancer that I thought was in my rear view mirror has returned in my left breast and somewhere in my abdomen. I will be having a petscan in the next couple of days to learn more.
Sooooooo. So that’s my story.
Yesterday I spoke with a friend who has also been diagnosed with metastatic cancer and she told me about a song which has ministered to her called Desert Road .
Here are the first two stanzas –
I don’t wanna write this song
I don’t want this pain to be my story.
I don’t want this desert road.
are you sure this is the Plan you have for me?
Out here in the dust and clay
God, if there is a bigger picture
it’s getting hard to see today.
But I KNOW that you won’t leave me.
I don’t know where this is goin’
but I know Who holds my hand.
It’s not the path I would have chosen
But I will follow you to the end.
Lord as long as I am breathin’
I will make your glory known.
Even if it means I am walkin’
Down this desert road.
I know there are many who read my blog who are not followers of Christ and might be thinking – where is your God now, Jackie? How could a good God let this happen to you?
Those are easy questions for me to answer and I will start with the second question first. Life on earth is not heaven. We live in a fallen world and bad things happen. Jesus tells us in John 16:33 –
“I have told you all this so that you will have peace of heart and mind. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows; but take heart, for I have overcome the world.”
Notice Jesus doesn’t say we might have trials and sorrows. He says we will.
And to the first question – where is my God now? He is with me in the middle of the night when my mind is twirling and I become afraid. And every single time I pray He fills me with the Holy Spirit and I can literally feel His presence in my soul. This is not something I could drum up in my own strength.
He lives within each of my kids and their spouses as they give me just the right words of encouragement, or scripture, a meaningful song, or a devotional. It is uncanny how these came with the exact message I needed to hear and at just the right time.
He moves in response to the prayer warriors who hit their knees and plead on my behalf. The power of those prayers enable me to get out of fetal position and it sets my feet upon the ROCK.
He was right next to me during difficult procedures and enabled me to do what I cannot do. He knew ahead of time that I would be on my back (emotionally) when a nurse came into my hospital room and said to me, “I hope that all goes well for you. God is faithful and He will never leave your side.”
He nudged both of my nieces to send me videos that they knew would make me laugh until I cried. (I have kind of a sick sense of humor…)
I have seen evidence of God and felt His presence. But this is all pretty new and I know this desert road will be hard and filled with rocky parts and hurdles.
One of my greatest hurdles has been to mentally surrender to this path. When I was given this diagnosis I kept saying to God, “I really didn’t want to go this way. Why couldn’t I have gone suddenly? Seriously – I am not your girl for this – I CANNOT DO THIS.”
This is a great test of my faith. I am on this desert road and I so badly want to leap off it and get back onto the road I was traveling just a few weeks ago. But I am not God. If this is the road He has called me to, I know that He will enable me to walk it.
Over the past two weeks I have come to believe that God has been kind to us in this process. Most of you know how close our family is and this has been an incredible (although painful) time for us to talk about God, grief, suffering, having courage, going deeper in the Lord, the fact that life here on earth is one drop of water compared to an ocean of eternity, and, and, and… and I believe when my time comes we will all be OK.
So I am back to blogging. Partly because it’s therapeutic for me and also so that I can keep you updated. And selfishly – so that I can ask for your prayers.
You know… I have absolutely loved the life that God has given me. It is far more wonderful than I could have ever imagined or dreamed of. God has been GOOD to me. He is simply – good. I know that I can trust Him for this part of my journey. As the nurse said to me – God is faithful.
I also know that God can extend my days past what any prognosis might say. I have heard lots of beautiful stories of women who have lived many years past what the doctors anticipated. I am going to live with that kind of expectation.
My doctor finished our meeting saying he is “optimistic”. And these were his parting words to me.
”Jackie, Your faith, your family, and your friends are as important as your treatment plan. Stay closely connected to these things.”
So I guess you are part of my treatment plan and I thank you ahead of time for your support and prayers, I will keep you updated.
My Dear Cousin Jackie — Tears are running down my face, but I also am smiling as I write this response to your blog. I am so, so, so sad that you have to walk this path. I also am so, so, so happy that you trust in God and have a weird sense of humor! Thank you for sharing your story. You are in my prayers. — Love, Deb
Love you back, Deb. Yes…my sense of humor is usually at the expense of someone else. It’s really not good.
Faith runs strong in our family and I am so grateful for that. 🙂
You are incredible and I’m so blessed that you are one of my closest friends. Your words are a gift! Love you! ❤️ You have millions of prayers coming your way!
And YOU have walked me through this path and held me up and slammed me on my feet. I love having a friend like you who WILL NOT LET ME lose hope and insists I keep my chin up. You’re a little bossy about it – but it works for me!! 🙂
Jackie, thank you sweet friend, for sharing your beautiful gift of writing, and your beautiful gift of faith with all of us. You provide encouragement to us all, and strengthen our faith with your blogs. May God bless you and shine upon you always.
Martha, I just received the beautiful book you sent me. I am reading it before I go to bed…its absolutely beautiful. Thank you !
Oh sweet lady I am so sad to hear this news, and will indeed be part of your prayer team.
Your blog post is inspiring, and I know you know exactly who is walking with you. I will pray for Gods angels to guard and protect you, and for miracles of healing.
You are such a blessing to all who know you. Much Love, Linda 😘❣️🙏🏻
Thank you, Linda. I know that you ARE a prayer warrior so I am counting on your for that!
Karen just shared this with me. I’m heartbroken for you, Eric and the rest of your family. I’m
optimistic because of your spirit, faith, family and friends…I’m sad because you shouldn’t have to go through this. I’m praying for you Jack!
Love, Holc
Love hearing from you, Holc. I love you guys and appreciate your prayers and thoughts towards me. When I need a large dose of laughter I know who to call….!!! You and Kar brought piles and piles of laughter into our lives.
I love you so much Jackie!! You mean the world to me and to so many others. Our prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you, Maddie. You also mean the world to me and it has been great seeing you at BSF!! I hope to make my way back very soon.
Jackie,
So sorry to read this news. I will pray for you and your family during this next journey you are on. Your blog posts are so inspirational. So glad I met you years ago through a mutual friend. Your smile and positive outlook are beautiful.
Thanks so much Darcy. I am also glad that our paths connected. I always love seeing the fun times you have with your grandkids. It just doesn’t get better than that!
Oh Jackie and Eric – I’m so very sorry to know of evil cancer’s return to your lives. My heart goes deeply out to you and my prayers for you go to the Lord in earnest. You know that, although so many years have intervened, I’ve always held you in high regard with fond memories. The comical humiliation of trying to hit Eric’s fastball and guard him on the basketball court when we were twelve, which made me realize I should focus on other things in life. The fun times playing too loudly into Jackie’s ear in concert band and your chastising me so cute and good-naturedly for it. But I didn’t know then how incredibly talented you are as a writer, Jackie. You’re fantastic and a major inspiration now to me and to many. I wish you as fervently as I can Godspeed and God’s healing hand. Stay strong. I know you will. ❤️ Granny
Oh gosh, I am NOT a talented writer…I just sort of blather. Granny I love thinking about all those good memories. Our family has been laughing and remembering the good times of our life and it is not only healing – but it just feels so normal. I don’t want to be the cancer poster girl – I just want to live normal until God calls me. Really good to hear from you 🙂
Jackie, I join everyone in expressing my deep sorrow upon hearing this news. I am very thankful for your Doctor’s optimism, and I certainly pray along with your many warriors for a complete recovery.i am always stuck by your amazing appreciation of life, your deep love of family, your ability to touch the lives of so many, and the great sense of humor through it all. I agree with Granny regarding the vivid HS memories, we had so much fun! I am thankful for your endless faith and beautiful messages. You’ve got this, love ,Dori
I was JUST thinking about you before this train ran into my life. For the past year I have really worked hard and gotten my weight down almost to my wedding weight…and I thought to myself – Dori would be so proud of me :). You have always been so supportive of me – and you were such an important friend in my high school days. Those are the just some of the kinds of memories I think about when I think how God has been so good to me :). Thank you for reaching out.
A desert road is harsh and uncomfortable but it is not a deserted road. Look behind you and you will see your family and friends walking with you, not only to comfort you, but to learn from your leadership and your example of trusting God – even in times when troubled. Your gift of blogging and expression impacts me and many others who follow for inspiration, grit in the face of trials, determination and devotion. Your faith is an example of what mine should be. So don’t let the desert road get you down. Look behind you cuz I’m back here with a lot of folks inspired by your toughness and leadership. As always, best to Amos and your family.
I love that, Shows. You are so right – it is harsh and uncomfortable but it is not deserted. Thanks for your kind message.
Dearest Jackie, I too am heartbroken to read that cancer has returned into your life and the lives of Eric, every member of your beautiful family, and the wide circle of friends of which count myself as a part. I agree with everyone here that you have a tremendous gift of powerfully and transparently relaying your story and glorifying God as you do.You inspire us on a deep level, and challenge us to see how God is with all of us as we encounter our own trials and tribulations. Shows is absolutely correct that while this may be a desert road it is filled with many behind you who are uplifting you and your family in prayer, for you to outlive any prognosis but must importantly to provide you with an overwhelming sense of peace as you walk this challenging journey. You are providing all of us with many reasons to have hope in adversity, so you are strengthening us which is an amazing gift. I have not seen you often in recent years as we moved to Denver 26 years ago, but I treasure the many years of friendship that started in 7th grade and grew through high school. You are a shining light to me and so many and know I will be reading your blogs and praying for you. Sending love and hugs too 🙏❤️
Mmmmmm…I read your words a few times – thank you. I am going to repeat what I just said to Dori. Those fun high school memories are some I the things I think about when I think about how good God as been to me. I cannot help but think about my sick sense of humor and played some not-so-good jokes on you. And you were such a good sport! It’s interesting how those strong bonds of friendships stay firm and strong even when life takes us in different directions.
I don’t like having this story to blog about – but I do enjoy connecting with people like you. So much love to you…(I don’t know where to find the heart but this is where I would put it ! Ha!)
Sending you prayers
Thank you, Vickie! And congratulations on your retirement! Hope you can take advantage of those flight benefits and fly just for fun!
You are a rock of faith and such a wonderful connector to God. On my knees every day for you sweet friend. Thank you for the update and lots of love to you.
Oh, Megan…thanks so much. We never did get that dinner on the books. Hopefully we can reschedule very soon. 🙂
Jackie, I know that your faith and trust in God will guide you through this difficult time. Your blog left me in tears. Your words and emotions so eloquently stated. Thank you for showing your vulnerability. You are an example to me of someone who trusts in God always. Please count me as one of your friends… sending you my prayers and love. And to your family as well. ❤️🙏
Oh Laura, thank you! I was just thinking about how we starting running together when our kids were young and you just kept going… so impressive!!
I do not feel “eloquent” at all. I just kind of write like I am talking with you and sometimes I think it rambles all over the place.
Thank you for reaching out, it means a lot.
Love you friend. God is with you.
My sweet Jackie! You have been in my thoughts and prayers this last week and a half. I have only ever known you to take hard things, unfair things, sad things and give them to God and trust him. You are so beautiful and I know God put you in my life to watch the way you live it. Love and light in this time.
You, Eric and your beautiful family are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. You have an army of people who love you and pray for healing. Love you my dear, funny, faithful and eloquent friend. 💕💕💕💕
Oh, gosh Karen…that makes me cry. When I think of how much you mean to me and those wonderful years being roommates in college. You and I are connected at the soul in a unique way and no matter how much time passes or the distance between us – our bond remains firm and sure.
I need that right now – it really helps knowing how much you and Holc care about me and Eric. I think that might be the hardest part of all seeing how hard this is on Eric and the kids. The not knowing how long I will have can be unraveling…but we are pretty good at pulling ourselves together and I really believe it is because of our prayer support.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
You are and continue to be such an inspiration for so many…your love of life, family, and God are expressed in your blogs and how you live your life. The power of prayer, fearlessness, optimism, and faith will help you handle what lies ahead. You DO have this and I will join the warriors in praying for your recovery and strength. I am so happy you are surrounded by so many that love you and give you words of encouragement, that says an awful lot about you and the influence you have had on your family and friends. Thinking of you Jackie…remember you are not alone❤
So good to hear from you, Laurie. I know you have always been faith-filled and know about the power of prayer…so I gladly welcome your prayers. I do not know how fearless I am… many times I have struggled to dig my faith roots deep so I can go higher with the Lord. And every time He pulls me out of the “pit of fear”…but I have had to do that often.
So much love to you, and thank you for reaching out.
Hi Jackie, your writing is beautiful and your faith is an inspiration. We don’t know why God has called us to walk the paths He sets before us but we know He always will use the bumps and rocks for His good. Rom 8:28. Your faith has already inspired so many people to lean on God more in their own lives and maybe cause even some unbelievers to want to know more about the peace you have found. The Lord will reward you for your faith. I have been praying and declaring that the Lord will move this mountain and the world will shout His glory. I’m honored to be a part of your treatment plan as you have done so much for me and helped me so much through my divorce and gave me hope and reminded me of Whose I am. Thank you for that.
Oh, Kim. Your words are beautiful. It is amazing how we grow to know the Lord better during our most difficult times. I have been so happy to see how God has given you a beautiful new life. He knew what He was doing when He allowed you to walk a very difficult path.
Kim – I am just doing the final editing on my next blog. I am telling you…prayers were answered in the most amazing way. What you said above is much like what I wrote in the blog “ I have been praying and declaring that the Lord will move this mountain and the world will shout His glory.“ And I am SHOUTING HIS GLORY TODAY!!!
I will be posting shortly so be sure to read it.
Hi Jackie – I heard about your situation from our Edina basketball friends a few weeks ago and Kim showed me this post when it came out. I’ve been waiting for some deep insight or encouraging words but am still at a loss. I was thinking of posting a Rocky clip, but I think I’ll pass on that! One silver lining is that you are back to blogging – as you indicate for your own therapy, but as always to show us all how it (living) is done, in good times and bad. So, sign me up as a member of the treatment team. As I told Eric recently, you are as tough as they come; “tougher than the rest” as Springsteen sings. Kim and I are looking forward to traveling to Edina this summer and seeing you and your family again.
KINS!!! Check out my most recent blog!!!